If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
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I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
181.
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If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
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My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.