Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat