If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Fat chances are my favorite chances
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays