If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?