If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.