Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not