If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
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if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.