If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
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WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.