If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
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8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
😭😭😭
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
very niche meme I made
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.