If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
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BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.