If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
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Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
This dude got his own movie?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Breaking news:
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Eating for two.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.