If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
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“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Can Happiness buy money?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.