If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
sometimes we need to be reminded
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.