If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
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Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
barbara was highly relatable
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
inventing words: clothing
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.