If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
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[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Pigeon open mic night.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.