If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
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My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
A warm tortilla will open up your pores nicely. Don’t ask me how I know this.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.