Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

Muppet Screams

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

his wife is probably gonna see that

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken