If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
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4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me recordaron éste meme
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy