If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.