Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

There is no try. There is only give up.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

Planet of the Apps.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search