If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
It will always be this
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it