Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken