Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.