If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
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(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
they should invent a rest for the wicked
The dark side of Canada
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”