@ericsshadow

If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.

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@AlanFelyk

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

@ibid78

Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.

@novicefather

[william shakespeare as an 8yo]

dad: bedtime

william: dost thou not…

dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!

@WilliamAder

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

@yonewt

If I had wings, I’d spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons

@dksc4life

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

@BruceForce

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

@fro_vo

Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*

@PretendMaker

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers