Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”