If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
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Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
bros in the example zone 😭
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
The Birdles
