Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

I am a gravy boat captain

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not