If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
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I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.