Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

british sex workers really pound for pound

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”