Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.