If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
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*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I can’t stop watching this.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.