Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes