Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

Bartenders are just boneless bars

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

ok this is my dumbest yet

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”