Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

these can’t be my only options

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.