[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.