Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you