Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

same vibe as tangled headphones

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.