Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

who named him groot and not spruce lee

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.