If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
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boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
this will hang in the louvre one day
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I triple waxed for this?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.