If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
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Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Oops
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!