If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
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stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
