Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

it’s a van. how do they not know this

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.