If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.