If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
You Might Also Like
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
All right then, keep your secrets
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990