If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
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Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck