If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
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To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Challenge accepted.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.