Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

I like donuts.

Twitter:

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck