Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

Single and childfree like Jesus

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.