If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
You Might Also Like
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.