If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
You Might Also Like
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.