If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.