If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
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Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.