If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
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Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
If you want my opinion ask my wife
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
A ghost story
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
this site is so cooked lol
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame