Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Single worst piece of software ever invented

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

i smell a pulitzer

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

She puts the hot in psychotic

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.