If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
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I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Finished stitching this today 😇
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
There is no “we” in pizza
Inventor of sparkling water: Hear me out; water, but it hurts.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.