If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
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I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
The real reason evolution started..😂
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.