Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

*updates tinder bio*

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.