Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if my sleeping schedule was a person

hear me out : pockets for your socks

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

Just got to our Airbnb!

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
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/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ