If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
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When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.