If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
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these can’t be my only options
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
😎 🍻
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.