If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?