If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
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Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
and now we wait
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
The little toadstool has spoken.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that