Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.