If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
hey, alexa
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.