If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.