If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Why are bridges so flammable.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
United Steaks of America
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time