Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?