If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
mechanics be like
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Me trying to “trust the process”
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat