If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.