Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

Now colored!

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.