If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
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“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Two types of dogs.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My Plans 2020
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.