Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

Weighing up my bread heating options

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.