Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.