If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
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ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.