If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I have two kinds of followers
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
zone out
