If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
We all have our pet causes.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day