If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Effort made
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Penguins walking in 5x speed
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.