Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.