If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

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Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]


Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.


If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.


Random DM’s:

“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hello” – *blocked*
“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hey there” – *blocked*
*nudes* – *blocked*
“I have free snacks” – “Well hello there, soulmate!”


I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience


dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?




the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault


First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat. You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Ok, who wants brownies?


My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume


Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?


Wife: How’s the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot.
Wife: Aw. His socks or yours?
Me: Socks is the neighbor’s cat..